Love was not created to simply share between romantic partners. While that can be one of the most joyful aspects of being human, love reaches its fullest potential when it is shared with everyone in our life, so this holiday, give of yourself and spread the love!

The unique aspect of this recovery balm is it’s meant to be shared. We are surrounded by loving people: our family and friends. Give your time and attention to family and friends so you can express how important they are in your life. Put your “to do list” aside for the day and visit the people who are important to you, or call to tell them that you love them.

Pets add so much to our lives, so why not give extra time or do something nice for your animal companion? They wait so patiently for us, giving unconditional love and acceptance whenever we are ready, and ask for so little in return.

Take time and make your pet a special treat, take them on a long walk or just snuggle on the sofa as you remember how lucky you are to have a friend like this in your life.

Extend yourself by showing love to an animal who is waiting for its forever family. If you are able, consider adopting a shelter dog or cat. Perhaps (like me) you have a full house and that’s not possible. You might volunteer some of your time at a rescue facility to walk dogs, play with kitties or just pet the animals. The afternoon you spend may help that animal become closer to finding its guardian.

Revitalizing Step Three

After you’ve done the scruffy recovery work and celebrated the love you have in your life, treat yourself to the final balm, Your Sassy Self. This revitalizing regiment will lead to renewal in your life. It works miracles, and that’s not an empty sales pitch!

Similar to the first ingredient to the jar of Love Celebration–loving yourself–Your Sassy Self goes deeper into your essence and spirit. The key ingredients to this balm are forgiveness, spiritual connections and discovery of your gifts.

First, apply forgiveness where it’s needed, whether it would be toward a person who hurt you or to yourself for any shortcomings. The healing balm of Your Sassy Self doesn’t skimp on forgiveness because without this, it’s impossible to move forward with your life.

Forgiveness also allows you to make deeper spiritual connections, When we hold grudges, the ability to seek our Creator is warped. Forgiveness tears down those walls. We were made to be connected to a Higher Power/Creator/God–however you see this deity. When we are not communicating spiritually, there’s a void in our lives that we try to fill with the wrong things, like greed, lust, power, envy–the list goes on. Seeking a greater truth and meaning in our lives is a revitalizing journey that can fulfill like none other.

Remember that we were made with a spark of divinity and a purpose. Our Creator wants us to identify and utilize talents gifted to us, which not only leads to a full life for us, but helps to make our piece of the world better. I love St. Peter’s message that everyone has at least one gift and that we are to use those to serve others. Gifts (talents) are what make you light up; these are your passions. Do you like to share knowledge or administer to the lost? Then teach! Do you feel a strong compassion for the ill? Then treat them! If you are comfortable being a leader, then manage. Apply Your Sassy Self liberally and watch the renewal happen in your life.

Recovery from a broken heart doesn’t happen overnight. There’s no magic pill. But if you are willing to do the recovery work, take the risk to love others and give of yourself, as well as seek deeper truths in a spiritual quest, your heart will not only heal, but it will overflow with grace and love. Who wouldn’t be attracted to that?

Join us for a teleclass at 7 PM on Feb. 24 “When Cupid Misses the Mark” and hear more ideas for healing a broken heart. The first 10 people to register are eligible to receive a chocolate gift certificate. Request call-in instructions below.

Deborah Reinhardt is a writer and certified professional life coach in St. Louis, Mo. She specializes in helping people to accept change as a part of life’s seasons, and a transition simply moves us from a place we’ve outgrown to a new place of abundance.

February can be a difficult month for people who have recently lost a love. There is help for the broken-hearted, although this balm can’t be found at the corner drugstore . If you’re working to get over a break-up, divorce or death of a spouse/partner, dip into these three jars of balm to heal your broken heart: “Recovery Work,” “Love Celebration” and “Your Sassy Self.”

Last week, the discussion was about attitudes and how they can block our efforts to get healthy–stop eating too much, drinking or smoking. I have to stress that it’s a good idea to check with a medical doctor before you take steps to control eating, to stop smoking, drinking or taking drugs. You may have an addiction, which is when the negative behaviors have developed to such an extent that stopping them causes severe trauma. You may need medical/psychological help to overcome this.

For less severe cases, your old bad habits can be changed by adopting the steps  discussed earlier: find your motivation, make a plan and find the support to help you on the journey.

Let’s look at the person who would like to stop smoking, once and for all. He’s accepted as truth the medical data that shows his habit is putting him at a great risk of cancer and other serious diseases. The motivation to stop is to possibly save his life and extra money needed to feed the habit.

His plan might be to seek a medically based treatment or an over-the-counter method that will curb the nicotine cravings. All unused packs of cigarettes are tossed in the trash and none can be found at his home. He might stay away from situations that trigger mental desires to smoke, such as smoky bars and nightclubs. To help keep his mind off smoking, he might take up a positive habit, like exercise, so when the cravings kick in, he replaces these with the new positive behavior.

His plan was broken down into small, attainable goals that he could recognize and celebrate when they were reached.

For support, he can create a phone list of friends and family he can call that will talk to him when he’s feeling weak in the knees and want to drive to the convenience store for a pack. Should he slip up, he knows he can forgive himself and get back on track. Stumbling doesn’t mean you’re out of the race.

You see the steps are in place to help him be successful in his fight to stop smoking. This process can be similarly adapted to quit other habits that are harmful to us.

What successes have you enjoyed so far as you work on your new year’s evolution? Share some tips and insight in your comment. Are you stuck on something? You can comment below or if you prefer privacy, just leave a comment such as “I have a question and would like to get in touch with you” and I’ll take it from there!

I hope all of you will this year enjoy a life of joy and abundance. Learn to embrace your life transitions as the gift they truly are! Peace and joy!

Letting go of old weight. This is the section about weight loss, but not the type you carry around your waist. This is the weight you carry on your heart and soul.

In northern Alabama, there’s a popular shopping attraction, the Unclaimed Baggage Center. Baggage lost by airlines that remain unclaimed or items passengers leave behind are funneled to this warehouse store and sold.

I want you to think of leaving your old emotional baggage at a similar warehouse. Dump it. You don’t need it.

Look within and see what might be a roadblock that prevents you from letting go of old hurt, anger, fear. If you remain angry at someone, maybe you haven’t forgiven that person. By forgiving him, you release yourself. Old hurts often can be healed through forgiveness, too.

If you are anxious or afraid, look for the emotion’s root. Maybe you think you have to tackle something alone, when in truth, we are never alone because God wants to be part of our everyday lives. Knowing we have God on our side gives us a power that enables us to do anything with Him.

Envision what letting go will look like in your life. Dr. Maxwell Maltz, author of the book “Psycho-Cybernetics,” says change is brought about by experience, and experiencing can occur subconsciously. Our subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between real and unreal. It accepts what we feed it.

By envisioning what letting go of your hurt, anger and fear, your subconscious mind will start to feel the first fruits of recovery. You’ll be drawn to put these imagined steps into real practice.

If you want to explore forgiveness or letting go in your life, leave a comment at the end of this article so I can contact you directly.

Quitting a bad habit. When I coach someone who wants to make changes in her life, I listen for distortions. These are statements directed inward that people accept as truth. Often after exploration, they can see that these statements are not grounded in fact but it’s how they perceive their facts.

Freeing yourself of a bad habit–over-eating, drinking, using drugs, smoking, spending too much, gambling, whatever behavior that keeps your life unbalanced–usually involves one or more distortions.

Example of a distortion: “I can’t quit smoking. I’ve tried before but started up again after a few weeks.”

I might follow that statement with a question like, “What would happen if you did stop?” or “What is keeping you from stopping?”

When we want to stop a harmful behavior, it’s another example of the God-implanted alarm system that tells us what we’re doing is going against His life plan for us. We are not designed to be enslaved to alcohol, junk food or prescription meds. We were made to life abundantly and joyfully, walking our life journey with our Creator.

It makes sense, then, to go to our Creator and ask for help to get rid of the behaviors that enslave us. And we do that by confessing the sin to God, who in turn will cleanse our hearts and become a part of our recovery.

Next week: The nuts and bolts of change

This month’s article at www.HopefulTransitions.com discusses how we can learn to successfully make lifestyle changes if we understand it’s not a resolution but rather an evolution, find our motivation, make a plan and keep our momentum for change through personal accountability and a support network waiting to come to our aid when necessary. I invite you to read all of the article and contact me with your questions or comments.

This month’s series will show Fly with the Phoenix readers how to incorporate these principles to improve your personal and professional life. This first post looks at our authentic selves and how to enhance these traits.

It’s you, just improved

Many New Year’s resolutions focus on this statement: I want to be a better person. Whether we want to control anger, find peace and happiness, be a better partner or parent, gossip less or develop our faith, the goal is to improve ourselves so we can have deeper relationships. The trouble is the resolution can be undefined (peace or happiness).  When it does have definition (control anger), there’s no real plan, leaving us to figure it out as we go with this wispy idea in our brain as the only guide to our goal.

But this year, you can remake you, renew or develop relationships so this area of your life can be one of abundance. The first step to take is really look and embrace your authentic self, the current buzz word for “the real you.” Your authentic self is a bringing together of your talents, intellect, experience, wisdom, faith. It’s not defined by what you do for a living, your relationships, where you live or what amount of wealth you have. Authentic self is you at the core. If you haven’t defined that for yourself, please do so; you have to know what your core values and characteristics are so you can build on these during your self-improvement journey.

Furthermore, the authentic self isn’t a random evolution of a person. It’s what you were created to be! It’s God’s life plan for you. Friends, none of us are accidents. Our Creator has a purpose for us, and when we ask God to be a part of our life journey, that purpose is revealed in stages throughout the trip.

And the desire we have to “be better people” is a deep recognition that something is out of whack with our souls. Each of us has a spark of divinity put there by our Creator. When a bell goes off in our heads that tells us something is not balanced in our lives, we are really recognizing a sin that is keeping us from God. If anyone wants to explore this further, please leave a comment at the end of this article.

Once you’ve defined your authentic self, you may see with greater clarity initial steps to take to make personal changes that will enhance the real you. It’s still you, just better!

String together small successes

Self-improvement challenges us–which is why so often we fall short of a goal. It’s tough work! That’s why successful change will come about if you string together small successes. Break down a large goal–such as finding a new relationship–into smaller ones that can be more easily attained. Defining those goals will help you map out a plan. With that, you have the mechanism in place for accountability to yourself, and you can share points of your plan with your inner circle so they can help you stay focused and give you support when you need it.

Look at how mountain climbers tackle a mountain. They don’t shoot up a side like a rabbit! They will slowly climb a section, methodically, carefully. The summit is hidden behind the clouds, but they understand it is reached a step at a time.

Next week: Dumping Old Hang-ups and Habits

“Icon” believe the holidays are almost here!

And just as we’d rather avoid the relative who tells annoying jokes (ahem), you may want to skip right into Jan. 2 if you find yourself in transition this holiday season.

I have a hole in my heart this year as I look at Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas and New Year’s as a newly divorced woman. My daughter recently was humming “Blue Christmas” and I had to ask her to please stop because the tune simply made me sad.

Maybe you are looking at the holidays and new year as an unemployed person and Christmas–with its spending frenzy–just stresses you even more.

Changes in our family or circle of friends can be especially acute during the holidays. An article on WebMD.com suggests that we become overcommitted during the holidays because we feel like old traditions must be kept up, even if they are no longer suitable to our lives (http://bit.ly/6Gs0mh). Sometimes, as the article suggests, we simply have to say no.

If big dinners with relatives just don’t seem appropriate for you this year, how would you feel about trying to volunteer for the day–whatever day feels comfortable for you? Visit www.salvationarmy.org to find a volunteer opportunity near you. If you want to help servicemen and women this holiday, click on www.uso.org to find USO programs in your area. There likely are shelters or churches in your community that will offer a meal and fellowship to people in need. Consider lending a hand and then getting together with a friend for a simple meal after.

Perhaps your loss is fresha and serving right now is not appropriate for you. Alan D. Wolfelt, an internationally noted author, educator and grief counselor at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine, has these self-care tips for you.

Talk about your grief with a caring friend or relative who will listen without judging you.

Be tolerant of your physical and psychological limits and respect what your body and mind are telling you. Lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate unnecessary stress, realizing also that merely “keeping busy” won’t distract you from your grief, but may increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

Plan for family gatherings and decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when your feelings of grief are already heightened.

Express your faith or attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony.

Should you need to speak to a professional, your local hospital may host a grief support group. These usually are facilitated by one or two leaders, and participants gather to discuss topics about losing someone that was close to them. You also can find groups in Missouri at www.mts-stl.org or in Kansas City at www.griefsupportnetwork.org. Life Preservers is an online grief support community and is available at www.life-preservers.org.

For more sensible solutions to celebrating the holidays during transition, join us for the a Custody Chat teleclass, “Help! It’s the Holidays!” at 7 p.m. CST Nov. 23. It’s a free 30-minute teleclass; just email deb@hopefultransitions for the instructions (phone number and passcode).

Give yourself the gift of self-care this holiday as you make a life transition from living with someone special to moving on without them.

The prevalence of divorce causes the separation of many parents from their children. That makes it more difficult for both parents to have the same quantity and quality of time with their children. This is regardless of the level of custody.

Relocation adds another caveat. The economy drives some families to move where there are more job opportunities. Some divorcees desire to be closer to other friends or family members, especially elder parents who may need extra care.  The added distance creates another challenge. Now, one parent has to either drive farther or fly, both of which add time and money spent.

Another obstacle that I hear too frequently is how one parent “sabotages” the relationship between the child and the other parent by saying bad things about the other parent. Parental Alienation Syndrome is also common. Children are very impressionable, and most tend to believe their parents. It creates confusion and hurt feelings in the victimized parent, especially if the child decides to not see or talk to the distant parent – either less frequently or not at all.

Below are a few suggestions for parents who feel alienated and want to stay connected to their kids:

1) Be consistent. Regardless of what is said or done by your child or ex-spouse, call frequently. Leave voice-mail messages or send text messages saying you are thinking of the child and wishing the best. Do this even if you don’t receive a response.

2) Keep your poise. As frustrating as it is, and as much as it hurts your feelings, try to stay calm and not seem irritated when talking to either your child or ex-spouse. Remember your goal to stay involved. If you are irritated and your relationship is already strained, expressing deep feelings will probably come across the wrong way and lead to an argument. With limited time over the phone, keep your conversation light-hearted.

3) Send gifts. Don’t miss birthdays or holidays. On occasion, if/when possible, send something “just because”.

4) Try to repair hurt feelings between you and your ex-spouse. This doesn’t mean you want to get back together or that you need to be “friends.” Be polite, courteous, and ask genuine questions about their well-being.

5) Consult a professional if these suggestions are too challenging for you to accomplish on your own. I highly recommend an expert trained in step families, especially if your ex-spouse is already involved in another relationship or you suspect Parental Alienation Syndrome. It helps to talk to somebody who understands what you’re going through.

Judy Graybill, The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today’s Families
Creating peace of mind in stepfamilies by reducing stress and arguments. In addition to coaching family members to work together to resolve conflict and create new memories, I am a speaker and consultant on divorce and recoupled / blended families.

http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach

After my little hissy fit when it became apparent that the blinds didn’t work–following the struggle to get the right measurements, install hardware and make several trips up and down stairs for the right tools–I was able to find the message behind this everyday madness, which is–to quote the Rolling Stones’ classic lyric–you can’t always get what you want.

My window treatment battle certainly is just, as my daughter used to say, life being life, and that can simply sometimes be aggravating. Sunday, it was the blinds. Two weeks ago, it was my car. Tomorrow, who knows? How do we handle these situations? You take a deep breath and do the best you can. This stuff usually works itself out in a few days.

But what if you’ve been waiting for that job offer now for a year or more? Maybe you have a relationship that’s not meeting your expectations or needs, or your kids are going through major struggles. We’ve all sent exasperated pleas toward heaven, “When is my luck going to change?” Sometimes we even get a reply from a friend or family member that goes something like “in God’s time.” What does that mean?

It means a delay to answering a prayer is not a denial. Our time frame simply is not anywhere near that of God’s. Look at the story in the Bible about Abraham and Sarah. Childless for many, many years, Sarah prayed for a family, but no smiling bundle of joy would be hers until much later when she was a very old woman. She should have been bouncing grandkids on her knee at that age, but instead, God blessed Sarah and Abraham with a child, Isaac, the beginning of a far-reaching Jewish lineage. This couple trusted in God’s promise, and this is only one of many stories that show we can trust God to provide for our needs and fulfill our heart’s desire.

I volunteer for an agency, Connections to Success (connectionstosuccess.org), where I mentor people who have been recently released from prison. In the Pathways program, leaders Jason and Jana show them their lives are transformed one step, one hour, one day at a time. In the weekly gathering for fellowship and a meal on Monday night, they are reminded of this, and it’s amazing to see how they grow to support one another and take those steps toward a better life, and they inspire me to remember the same.

God’s time table, described in 2 Peter 3:8–13, “But do not ignore this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day.” A devotional writer for the United Church of Christ recently shared his thought that this verse reminds people who were living in a time of persecution to have a sense of wonder each day. Our lives would be transformed if we could adopt that one principle.

To learn more about living intentionally, check out the book review of “Dancing Solo” by Tim Green, the featured article this month on hopefultransitions.com. Tim discusses that it’s God’s desire for us to live in the present, embracing the gift of life He’s given to us.

Finally, the first teleclass in a new series–Custody Chat–will visit the topic “If it Takes Forever, I Can Wait for You.” I’ll share some stories and tips for parents living apart from their children. The FREE teleclass will be Oct. 28, and those interested can register online at hopefultransitions.com.

But beyond the eye candy and amazing scenery, women transitioning from being part of a couple to single again can eat up the lessons to be found in this story. Those would be: engage in serious self-care, seek your Higher Power, and find your life’s center or balance.

In Bali, Liz (Julia Roberts) puts the lessons learned in Italy and in India into play. She meets Felipe (Javier Bardem) and experiences love in its fullest sense. (Sony Pictures photo)

While most women cannot take off on an around-the-world trek to find herself like author Liz Gilbert did, it’s possible to adopt ideas based on her amazing experience.

Serious self care

The idea behind Italy, the “eat” portion of Gilbert’s journey, was to simply learn to be herself. Can’t fit into your jeans because too much pasta went into your mouth? No problem, get the bigger jeans. That’s a freeing idea for most women. Gilbert also drank great wine, but she also drank in the beauty of Rome and sought out new friends.

When experiencing a major shift in your life, it’s tempting to lock yourself away with the gelato. In fact, Gilbert describes in the book her bought with depression and anxiety during her months in Italy (this was left out of the movie).

She didn’t deny herself simple pleasures, like great food and company, because that’s what she needed. But don’t confuse self-medicating with self-care. Again, it’s about balance. The pasta, pizza and gelato provided her with comfort and the pleasure of a sated palate. Friends validated her and helped to emotionally support after a relationship ended. She became fluent in Italian, and anytime we learn a new skill, we are energized.

When you hurt, wrap yourself with the things that bring you comfort and joy, keeping in mind the healthy boundaries you should observe.

Developing your spirituality

Gilbert understood that life cannot have balance without being tuned in to a Higher Power. She found her spiritual side in an ashram in India (the “pray” portion) with the help of a good friend. And when she finally learned to surrender, she made progress in her spiritual quest.

Most of us operate thinking we’re in charge of the lives we created for ourselves. Wow, that’s a lot of responsibility. No wonder we’re tied up in knots and our inter-personal relationships are dropping like flies off an elephant’s rump.

But when we get closer to our Higher Power and learn to make time regularly to pray or meditate, it eventually becomes apparent that we really aren’t in charge of a whole lot! The key is to not only know this intellectually, but to demonstrate it and surrender our lives. This may look different to those of different faiths and beliefs, and it doesn’t mean we sit on a hillside and wait for something marvelous to happen. We can’t stop living because we are seeking something beyond this world.

Learning to pray isn’t forced–as shown in the movie’s scenes about meditation–but rather learned through practice. Gilbert had a mentor, her friend Richard, to help her on this spiritual sojourn. If you seem stuck and are having trouble exploring your spiritual side, consider working with a spiritual or life coach, or find a spiritual congregation where you live. However, don’t expect this to be a magic pill to swallow and you’ll see a vision. It’s work, and you’ll probably have greater success teaming with someone or a group, but the reward is inner peace and feeling like you have a place in creation.

Putting it together

The best part of this story, for me, happens in Bali, and not just because of her drop-dead gorgeous Brazilian boyfriend. Gilbert, in Bali, finds her balance between loving herself and being able to love the world. Eventually, she learns to trust and love a new partner.

Compare how far she’s come from the rat-race life she lived in New York to a life of abundance and service in Bali. From small acts of kindness like copying the book of spells for her medicine man friend Ketut, to building a house for her friend Wayan and daughter, Tutti.

She can appreciate and beauty of the land and people around her while she continues to meditate, but she now is less focused on herself and reaches out to others.   She’s opened up like a lotus blossom, and this new energy in her life is rife with possibilities.

Note how she has taken what she’s learned in this journey so that she is smart about choices–remember the scene on the beach with the cute, young Aussie. This is something a lot of us forget to do. Listening to our inner spirit, whether you call it intuition or that gut feeling, for some reason is difficult for a lot of women, including me. Through practice, we do get better at it.

I have loved this story since I first read the book a couple of years ago, and I’ve read it over a few times when I need to hear the positive lesson that while we may have our share of heartbreak in this world, we do not come out of these valleys unchanged. That is one of the beautiful things about the life we are given by our Creator. Not even a beautiful Brazilian can top that.